nanune

thought log 3: 31 August 2015 – 5.30pm

having lived in her thoughts and went through an entire life and wealth of experiences in a dizzyingly fast 3 hours, I stepped out of the room…and I could not feel a thing. 

it was a sense of detachment, like I am no longer living my life, my brain was possessed by a memories of a geisha who lived so extraordinarily I get afraid mine would dull so much in comparison. I left my body to bask in yellowed-pages and words that contained more colour than all my feelings combined, but when I returned, everything felt so alien. how the sunlight sparked off linoleum tiles and grey railings, how I noticed the yellow flowers blooming on the tree for the first time, how I felt so renewed, and the troubles I faced last midnight became so inconsequential. it gives me pity to have abandoned the pleasure reading afforded me in favor of cold facts spewed from a Pearson or Marshall Cavendish. as I stared into the mirror, I feel as if my skin had been pulled back and reshaped around the new enlightenment, I was born again, inadvertently changed by a book I had whimsically decided to read only the first few pages, but ended up spinning through its entirety. 

I feel my soul resettling back, conforming itself back into the familiar angles of my body once again. I can only hope to chase this feeling, I shall call it my nanune, and enjoy the blissful minutes I have with it, and I don’t know how long I have to wait for the next one to come. 

on marriage

thought log 2: 6 June 2015 – 10.15am

let the thirty year old me read this and cringe at a sixteen year old’s perception of tying the knot.

there’s nothing much i can say without sounding absolutely inexperienced and naive but here goes. isn’t marriage basically bringing law into your relationship? to physically bind your partner and you in a hard-to-break union so that other people know he’s ‘off the market’ and has a ‘stable life, now that he’s married’? marriage is that both parties require the government to enforce rules into a relationship, legally binding him against committing adultery, and if he divorces you, he has to pay alimony, child support, doesn’t this signal a lack of trust? why can’t two people be together without marrying? and have a child? 

there’s always this fear of marrying the wrong person, of having a life living under pummelling fists or manual labour. a divorce lets people think they have a choice, that they can break a marriage as easily as they formed one, it allows people not to think so hard on their prospective partners, since they can just divorce them later on. divorce separates your husband and you, but it also establishes a divide between families, traumatising your children, impacting your social circle. it is messy and tragic; a unnecessary end.

given the format of birth, school, work, marriage, children, death, it’s kind of sad to see those deviating from the ‘right path’ are seen as ruining their life. being locked in a predetermined route on how to live your life, it’s easy enough to dream about spontaneity, wishing you could get up and explore Prague, or experience a whirlwind romance in Paris, but it’s easier to just settle, make as little waves as possible and do what you’re supposed to do.

on solitude

thought log 1: 6 May 2015 – 9.25pm

i do not mind being alone. in fact, it calms the introverted side of me. the freedom, of doing whatever you want, whenever, is unparalleled. that being said, i love being in a group situation. the mood is instantly elevated and we’re all laughing, a balm that soothes the soul. i think i’ve gotten tired of trying? because i used to speak animatedly, and embellish heavily all for my friends to laugh at the story i was telling. somewhere along the way i lost that bulletproof confidence/arrogance and i’m not sure if its a good thing or not. maybe its better to be overconfident.

now, its more of a “me” or a “you and i” thing. not really a “all of us”. im trying to think of being alone as not so much of a bad thing. the best writers are often alone. something about how your creativity won’t be influenced by people or something. but still, i used to look at people eating alone or sitting alone and pity them. now, i do realise that being alone does not equate to loneliness.

i’d rather be alone in a crowd than alone in a room with people that know me. there’s a sense of being watched and minutely judged in the room but not so in a crowd. there are things we do alone and things we do with people. wisdom is having the right mix of both. sometimes devastating loneliness overtakes and paralyzes me. i can’t explain it. it feels like i am nothing. and that is the worst feeling to feel.

i guess what is why i must come to terms with loving my cracks and crevices, instead of waiting for the ‘right man’ to swoop in and absolve me of all my pain. in the end, you only have yourself.